Sunday, after what seemed like endless rain, (not a metaphor), we saw the sun (also not a metaphor- the weather here sucks). So, like any good Smithie, I took all of my homework and a granola bar to a bench under a tree on a hill. The hill being Fiesole, a town whose altitude allows for a stunning view of Florence.
I did some reading for my classes, of course, but I felt the need to write. I hadn't written in so long- not just for this blog but for myself. Things haven't been coming to me, and I've been tired and stressed and worried about things that shouldn't make me tired and stressed and worried. (Story of my life). I did all my writing just outside the church of San Francesco. A friar walked by me with an understanding look on his face as he watched me write. It was encouraging.
So, as I've done in past Sunday Sensibilities posts, what comes after this is what I wrote, just as I wrote it.
The church was built here however many hundred years ago because it was outside the city, way up on a hill, on its own. Most of the monasteries built at the time were built in comparable locations, because it was believed that in order to be as close to God as friars and nuns need to be, they had to escape the evils and distractions of city life. Today, all it takes to get here is a bus ride. I wonder what San Francesco would have to say about it. I think he'd be really annoyed with us, honestly. Especially with Italy. It's a little ironic that he's the patron saint of the country. The man took a vow of poverty and made every effort to use and have as few material possessions as possible, and he is now the patron saint of a country whose people are known for high fashion, who are obsessed with aesthetics and incredibly concerned with appearances and impressions.
I have learned so much here. And i don't mean in the classroom, however important and shaping that part of my experience has been and continues to be. I am so much more in touch with myself than I've ever been before. The benefits of taking the tiem for serious self reflection and self analysis have been immense. I arrived confused and unsure, and now I have goals and objectives. I am newly aware of myself.
It's sad to think how fast time has gone by here. In some ways I still feel like I've just arrived, and in other ways I feel like an expert. I do wish I had more time (though I am trying to stay for the summer!). The thought of going back to Smith- a place where I spent so long studying things that weren't right for me and where I was never able to realize it- terrifies me. I don't want to backtrack on all of the personal progress I've made. I'm worried that I will lose myself in anxiety like I've done so many times there. Don't get me wrong, I loved my time at Smith and the people I shared it with. I'm grateful for it and better person because of it. But it was, is, a love-hate relationship. Education should not incorporate stress and anxiety at levels so high that it reduces people to tears. Yet I've sat with a number of Smithies as they cry while looking over their to do lists and planners and assignments- and a number of Smithies have sat with me as I did the same. Education should not incorporate fear and worry. How can you learn like that? These things do nothing good for your brain, and they do serious damage to your heart.
And I guess it's not odd that I had to come here to make this progress. Italians in general are much more relaxed. They don't believe in stress. I'm still more high strung and stiff than your average 20 year old, but less so than before I arrived. Much less so. And letting go of some of that is what has hallowed me to make the emotional progress that I've made here. It's allowed me to realize what I want to do, both in terms of a career and in other ways as well. I guess I'm just growing up. Something I've always been rather apprehensive about.
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